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1. |
I Am Ceramic Sam
01:57
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I am Ceramic Sam.
That is who I am.
You'd better look out. I'm coming for yer.
Gonna make you fidget in the corner.
Gonna offer economy entertainment.
Gonna make you tremble with disappointment.
I am Ceramic Sam.
That is who I am.
In a retail situation
Proved unpopular
Hugely unpopular
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2. |
Indianapolis Face
00:40
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In this movie
The Main Character
Has Got No Face
A movie is being projected
On His Head
Where his face is supposed to be.
It's a movie about a man
With a bad case
Of Indianapolis Face.
And he sings a song called
Thursday's style
Is stupid smile.
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3. |
Laughing Rats
00:32
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I'm abreast of all the current affairs.
I read a report that indicates that rats are able to laugh and express joy.
But the report I'm afraid was unable to prove that they have a sense of humour.
Only a rat
could answer that.
Rat
What you laughing at?
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4. |
Plastic Clown Food
00:49
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My six year old boy was in tears today. Hahahahahaha!
He was scared of the waiter and scared of the food. Hahahahahahaha!
The waiter was playing the clown with the food
We could not understand why he acted this way
We will never go back to this place again.
We will never go back to this place again.
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5. |
All Hollow On This Eve
01:22
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I am an expensive
Swiss Chocolate Easter Bunny.
One night
after the chocolate shop had closed
& the cashier
& the manager went home,
I started chatting
with the cute little white chocolate bunny who sat beside me
on the shelf.
And we...
How should I put this?
Well we...
Quite frankly we broke each other.
I had goo inside
that dripped down onto the floor.
She caved in.
She was hollow.
I should have known better
than to mix with
cheap American chocolate.
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6. |
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Mae West never looked like that
She never wore those clothes
Whether Ronald Reagan's face was really broke in half
And fixed again with sellotape,
It's possible, I suppose.
History does not record.
Tell you what, take home this lot in your truck tonight
Take home something nice for your wife.
I'll throw you in a pair of hands
Caucasian, rather small.
I'll throw you in an extra head
It fell off Gary Glitter.
We don't have him no more.
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7. |
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I'm not going to stand here like a lemon
having you stare at the dent in my head,
wondering what I was known for
in my time.
Turning my nametag around.
Positioned me like I just babbed myself.
Your grandmother wants me in her basement for her birthday
Your grandmother wants me in her basement for her birthday
everyone wants to be in your grandmother's basement
when the shadow falls over the doorway
(in the middle of a bleeding desert)
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8. |
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I'll tell you something mate
I'll tell it to you and the kiddies for a fiver
I'll tell you something mate
An evil spirit lives inside a
Waxwork reject head of Thomas Edison
Thomas Edison's head, his ugly head is not screwed on.
He is picking up bad vibrations
Butchering a radio ham
No-one wants him in the room
Is he a candle or is he a man?
I'll sell you something mate
I'll sell it to you and the kiddies for a fiver
I'll sell you something mate.
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9. |
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You carried me home
I became your uncle
But you kept me away
From family functions
You buried me deep
In a concrete bunker
I peep through the pavement
Directing operations
From here,
Waxily.
Did you involve me in your rituals just for a laugh?
Don't let the kids
Dress me in trash
Or smother in glitter
My horsehair moustache
My face by the boiler
All melted and squashed
I used to be…
Who did I used to be?
Well known
Well known
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10. |
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11. |
Arts and Crafts
01:18
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TodayI made a brain out of clay
shaped like a cauliflower
and then I painted it gray.
I filled it with questions
and then I massaged it.
Nice brain good brain
there there.
And then I made
a tongue out of rubber.
And it licked the clay brain.
And it wagged & wagged & wagged.
Arts & crafts.
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12. |
Severance
01:12
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My wife has left me
To pursue a love affair with Charlie Chaplin
I cannot compete with that.
He's cooking flowers for her tonight
He's rollerskating on the edge of a ledge
He's running away from a horse that hates his guts
I am in the hospital
I'm doing as well as can be expected.
Charlie Chaplin.
I'm gonna slap him.
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13. |
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I have a comedian's spirit
But I'm not very funny.
One stagehand planted among the miseries
Laughing out of loyalty.
Fat above footlights,
On boards full of termites.
The set like the unfinished cities
I'm pulled through in dream-nights.
Prowling alone through my pisspoor performance
No laughter in the applaudience
So serious in the auditorium.
There's always an unruly element
There's always a few stupid idiots who spoil it for everybody else.
Now then, can we have a volunteer?
You sir, you, come on up here.
So they walk him up but his heart isn't it.
He looks like he's due to expire in a minute.
You look as hungry as the five-thousand-and-first person
At the feeding of the five-thousand.
You look like you crashed the helicopter
In a performance of Stockhausen.
You look like you're ready to make your debut in injury time at Paschendale.
You look like you were painted by Monet, after his eyesight failed.
Give us a smile.
Give him a big hand everyone. Give him a big hand.
But they have small and bony hands.
And there's always a few stupid idiots who spoil it for everybody else.
Alright. Kill the lights.
The unfinished streets I stalk through at night,
I forget how to sleep, a bad day at the office
Weight off my feet, crumbs round my orifice
The set in my head
Sat on the bed
He shat on my party spread
And shot me in the head
He gives us a smile
And for a second I regret my frivolous deathstyle
There's always an unruly element
There's always a few stupid idiots who spoil it for everybody else.
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